i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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