we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
