Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
