my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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