Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize