see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
