You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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