what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
