2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
