Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
