I met the friendliest cop last night
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
