my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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