just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize