If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
