better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
