He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize