Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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