i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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