a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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