Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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