I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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