I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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