Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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