It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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