We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
