I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
