ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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