dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize