I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
