I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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