Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
