I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
