new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
