i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize