im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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