I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
