my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
