If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
