i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
