hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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