if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
