I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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