don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
