Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
