umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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