im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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