Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
