So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
