I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
