I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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