so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
