How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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