He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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