**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
