Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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