You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
