I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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