part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
