the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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