Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize