I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
