Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I intend to get homeless drunk
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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