I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
