Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
