Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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