$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
