I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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