Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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