Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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