i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
this will be a night to untag.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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