Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
