It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think my moral compass just broke
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
