I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
