Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
